standing on my own
by earlyable
Summary: Lily and Severus were friends and then they weren't. What are their thoughts after the fight at the Lake? Written for the '10 Things I Hate About You' Competition on HPFC.


**A/N: Yes, you guessed it, another entry for HPFC. This one is for the '10 Things I Hate About You' Competition'. My lyric prompt is: ****are we simply just spiralling coils of self-replicating DNA**** - The Meaning of life by Eric Idle and my word prompt is tale. The base for this comp is the poem below and your fic has to relate to it.**

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_"I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive your car, I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you; not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."_

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LPOV

I hate him. I really truly hate him. How could he call me that in front of everyone? How could he!? Bastard, the lot of them; those stinking Slytherins. I hate his greasy hair. I hate that he loves Potions. I hate that he always taunts Potter and his gang. I was perfectly within my rights to turn on him and insult him. I hate him and he won't take a hint and leave me the hell alone. He won't stop staring at me and he's apologizing every time he sees me. He's sleeping outside Gryffindor Tower for goodness sakes. Am I really worth all that teasing that he is undoubtedly going through back in his own Common Room? Why couldn't he have been Sorted into Gryffindor? Why can't he accept my choice and leave me alone? Is he really that desperate for me to forgive him?

Well I won't. I miss my friend but if he's going to keep hanging out with those Death Eaters-to-be and practicing the Dark Arts then I can't be friends with him. That curse he cast on Black last month was scary. Honestly, it took Madam Pomfrey a day to heal it and he still has the scars. Although, he has created some really interesting spells. That toenail one is really interesting and it must have been embarrassing to have been hoisted up in the air by a spell that he invented. Damn it, there I go again. Thinking about him like he's my friend!

I hate that he can make me forgive him. Because I have forgiven him; I'm just not going to tell him or act like I have. After all, it's a really one-sided friendship and, if I'm being honest, sometimes I think he's too good for me.

Merlin, there I go, crying again! I hate the fact that he can make me cry over him and what he thinks of me. Why didn't I tell him what I thought of his so-called 'friends' earlier? Maybe things would have been different. It's like a fairy tale. Boy meets girl. Boy gets separated from girl (i.e. getting Sorted into rival houses). They both meet conflict and stop being friends. Now I can only hope for my happy ending.

Besides, I think he's in love with me. It's too much; I'm only fifteen. The way he looks at me sometimes. Like I'm the centre of his universe. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Crap, I think I love him! Although nothing will ever come of it. Not so long as he's in the running to be a future Death Eater.

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SPOV

I didn't mean to say it, it just slipped out. The one good thing in my life and now it's gone. It's all my fault and I keep trying to say sorry but she just won't listen and I can't keep going on like this. She doesn't care about me. Anyway, in a hundred years will anyone actually care? We're just strands of self-replicating DNA that will decompose after we die. It's not like it actually makes a difference. Yeah right, if I keep telling myself that I might believe it in a few decades.

I love her. All of her. More than that freak Potter ever will, bullying toerag that he is. Why can't she love me back? Is there something wrong with me? Despite the obvious, I mean. Am I really so repulsive that she couldn't stand to be around me like that.

She was always using me and I let her. I'm better off without her… really, I am. She's not good enough for me. Especially if she just turns her back on me like that. I'm being honest with myself. I'm not lying.

Bloody hell, why am I crying? It's really not doing me or my reputation any good. The 'people' in my own house are already teasing about being friends with a Mudblood and if they see me crying it isn't going to get any better. Blast, I better get into the toilets before Potter and his gang see me. Then they really will have a field day; Snivellus, indeed.

Maybe over the summer she'll come 'round and forgive me. I'll send her letters every day. Although I hope she doesn't destroy them or send them back unopened. That would be devastating. She lives really close by so maybe I can go visit and ask for her forgiveness when she isn't being swayed by the other girls in Gryffindor.

I hope she can forgive me. Otherwise there really is no use for me. I love you, Lily and you're the best thing in my life.

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_I don't hate you. How come you can't hear me screaming it every time I open my mouth? Please, please, please, listen. I love you…_


End file.
